CHAPTER 2: “ GIVEN BY YHVH ”
יְהוֹנָתָן
Yahu-natan
Young Jonathan Mahan/McKinnis had the name given to him by his birth mother Thea. It meant “GIVEN BY YAHWEH” in the Hebrew Tongue.
Little Jonathan had been born into a family of dysfunctional Christadelphians on his birth mother (THEA'S) side. Instead of Thea's parents encouraging her to keep the child; and raise him among his biological family she was made to feel that she couldn't; or, perhaps they made her to feel just as worthless as the child would feel; a feeling that would never leave him.
Whatever her justification was; Thea would choose to double down on it in adult conversation with the boy never truly apologizing for the trauma suffered; yet, none of it made sense to him. It didn't matter what her excuse was. It didn't matter what the situation was that caused him to be ripped away.
BUT, SHE PLACED HIM THERE, SHE CHOSE THEM. SHE CHOSE THE FAMILY WHERE HE WOULD BE DEFILED
Little Jonathan had ZERO CONTROL. It wasn't his responsibility to make this right; it was hers. And she would fail him miserably. She would labor for forty four hours to deliver the child; and, then choose to abandon him to social services (to be adopted by a woman less qualified to raise him than his own mother) just eighteen months later. She was lied to; manipulated; and, deceived into this scenario. She hated this term "abandoned;" yet he hated the abuse he suffered; and, he hated it more than she did.
ADOPTION FRAUD ADOPTION FRAUD ADOPTION FRAUD ADOPTION FRAUD
None of it seemed right; and, it hurt even more than he would show on the outside. He learned to be a chameleon; to hide what he really thought or felt because the environment he was thrust into was anything but safe; it was anything but hospitable; it was anything but loving. It was instead a cesspool of sexual disfunction; extensive pornography use; porno parties; and a bisexual father whose own acts would cause his wife Mara to harm the boy in ways he couldn't imagine. Why? Because he didn't render honor; love; or respect to the wife of his covenant.
Although he had his own bed; and, his own room the child would endure being screamed at, mocked by, struck; and, isolated. Belittled by this woman who claimed to "love" the child. HE would grow up NEVER feeling loved in that house. She would never console the boy. "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" Mara smacked his head. He would have to learn to self soothe. Yet it was a skill the boy would fail to master. He would never see what a truly genuine loving household was like. HE would never experience unconditional love; or a mother that comforted him, especially when he needed it the most. He had no one to make him feel safe at home. No. He had an abuser. A woman whom he would hate the rest of his life though he tried desperately to learn how to forgive her.
He would find himself an outsider at school where he was also to suffer because he was "different." At school he learnt that children were cruel. Little "Jimmy" was laughed at and mocked because of his very pronounced buck teeth. He HATED that name. It wasn't His; and, HE KNEW IT. But. He couldn't remember who he was. He couldn't remember the name Jonathan. First he forgot the sound of his mother's voice, then he would forgot what it felt like to be held by someone who loved him. He would forgot how his mother would gently wake him. It had slowly faded from his memory. In time the boy would lash out; physically assaulting and harming other students. He had enough of it at home; and, now at school too. Soon he would become dangerous. Especially to himself.
In Mara's own dysregulation she would choose to terrorize the child when nobody else was watching. She was careful not to strike him hard enough to bruise; at least not where it would be seen. The result? He would leave home at eighteen; never looking back. Mara would tell his adopted sibling "He abandoned the family." Never admitting what she did to drive him away. Never acknowledging the true extent of her own abusive nature.
For eighteen months Thea would keep the boy; just long enough for him to KNOW who his mother was. Just long enough for his mothers scent, her voice, and her gentle touch to imprint on the child. Long enough to wake with the softness of her touch as she traced her finger across his forehead; an act that was completely opposite from the way Mara would strike the boy in his face; or with belts, or with wooden switches from the back yard she would make him choose. Thea kept the boy long enough that the adoption itself would create a disgustingly grievous wound; a wound that would never really heal. A wound that would eventually fester into blinding hate; and, rage by her abandonment of him AGAIN as an adult as he would beg, cry, and scream for help when he needed her the most.
"PLEASE MOM. HELP US. PLEASE" THE BOY BEGGED "HELP ME. PLEASE!!! THE BOY SCREAMED OVER THE PHONE. HIS NERVES ON EDGE AS HE SHOOK WITH EMOTION; FEAR, PAIN, ANGER, FRUSTRATION ALL BLENDING TOGETHER. "PLEASE MOM. HELP US" HE SCREAMED "PLEASE MOM. HELP US. PLEASE !!!"
She would respond by calling the boy a liar; over; and, over; and, over again. Refusing to believe that what the boy said about his upbringing was true; because to admit it, would mean admitting that she made the wrong decision; and, that was something she just couldn't live with. He HATED her for calling him a liar. Literally HATED her for it. Nothing made him angrier. Nothing.
She likewise hated being accused of abandonment; yet, everything the child experienced was defined as "abandonment" in every definition he ever read. Thea would be completely oblivious to how this would trigger the boy as an adult sending him spiraling out of control.
The belief system of little Jonathan's birth family (which differed from mainstream Christianity itself) would become especially foreign to the boy through the adoption; and, his own intense study of the bible as an adult in three languages.
His private school education at a local College Prep School (gained through the adoption) would give him six years of French; a year of Spanish; and, a year of Latin before graduating from high school. This would serve as an excellent foundation for his grasping the foreign languages used in the writing of the Bible. Hebrew; Greek; and, Aramaic. It wouldn't be until Jonathan's 30's that he would truly begin to seek the face of the Creator as he sought healing from his own excruciating internal pain; brokenness; and, sexual addiction that would ultimately destroy an eighteen year marriage.
Thea's own parent's marriage was already unraveling because of her mother's infidelity, an affair that would last well over a decade. An affair that would serve to destroy the boy's maternal grandfather Travis Mahan so deeply; so completely, that he would simply choose to withdraw from many.
The boy as an adult would feel a connection to Travis even though he had passed years before. His grief for the man he wished he had known better was tempered by his belief that somewhere in this galaxy, in this matrix of life (perhaps in another dimension) there was a heaven; and, both Jack and Travis his grandfather's were together. Though he struggled with prayer, he hoped, he wished for this.
HOW CAN GOD BE GOOD THE BOY THOUGHT. HE ALLOWED ME TO SUFFER LIKE THIS. HOW CAN GOD BE A GOOD FATHER WHEN MY OWN DIDN'T EVEN WANT ME; WHEN MY OWN SIGNED AWAY HIS RIGHTS SO FAST IT MADE THEA'S HEAD SPIN.
One grandfather was given to him by birth; and, another through the legal system (both important to his understanding of who he was). Jonathan would imagine deep within himself that these men were conversing together in heaven of the boy. Both of them praying fervently for his repentance; and, full release from the intergenerational curses that fell so heavily upon the boy who never asked for them. Curses he struggled against LONG before he was EVER equipped to defend himself against the attack that would come in his own bedroom from someone he knew; and, trusted.
This "Christadelphianism" within his maternal birth family would be something Thea would herself push back against. In return she would essentially overcorrect; much like a driver on an icy highway often overcorrects; becoming completely anti-nomian (Anti-Torah) as an adult. In her zeal to reject the law given by the Messenger (ADONAI YHVH) upon Mt. Sinai; the very one who would become flesh, she would choose to push away all things "Jewish." In her ignorance she would reject the very thing her family needed most to heal.
The creator's instructions, coupled with mercy, love, forgiveness, and understanding.
She couldn't offer these to the boy; because she didn't have them herself. Mercy? Love? Forgiveness? Understanding? No. All she did was shame; and, blame the boy for daring to beg them for help. How dare he? Because it was easier than admitting the truth. She didn't know it; but, she was tearing down her own house with her own hands. She would do to the boy; exactly what her parent's and counselor did to her. Shame; and, blame.
When she chose to do this, when she chose to reject the written Torah of the Creator; she had no idea that her son had already inherited a birthright via his father she couldn't offer the boy. A birthright his experiences would make even more difficult for him to grasp; and, perform. A father's connection was tribal; and, the boy belonged to a tribe she didn't; nor did she desire to be a part of it.
His own birthfather was nothing but an alcoholic to him; a man with a list of seventy children and grandchildren. He was nothing but a name on a list to that man. A man who wouldn't even play a game of checkers with the boy who desperately wanted to create memories with his father before he would pass away. He only had one photograph of them ever playing together; and, the grief it brought to the boy was something his father would never, ever understand. This man would tell Jonathan that he was "disgusting to him." It would be the last time they would speak. Jonathan would close the door on a man who never really showed him that he loved him except for the help to purchase a car. He was grateful for at least THAT help. It was more than Thea ever gave. Yet. It didn't even scratch the surface of what Jonathan actually needed.
"Does he have the gift?"
His paternal grandmother asked about his oldest son as they would share the only holiday meal Jonathan would ever get to experience with them. "The Gift?" He knew EXACTLY what she meant. "No" the boy would say shaking his head. The Gift? Visions. Dreams. The boy had his first experience with the supernatural the day they buried his adopted grandfather Jack. He would have three more in his adulthood; two of them in 2010. One where he was given a vision that altered the direction of his own study; and, another where he awoke screaming for Yeshua, awakening his wife; and, two children as they slept in the same cramped room. Then another that was clearly some form of spiritual warfare; something the boy was completely unprepared for. One that was too troubling for Jonathan to think about. It showed him; that he would be beheaded.
He had something he was supposed to do; something THE BEING had told him the day his grandfather Jack had been buried; but, never explained to the boy what this "something you must do" was.
For years the child would believe the encounter with the being was just a dream. He would keep the story to himself; unsure how to process the experience. It wouldn't be until his own cardiologist would tell him "This isn't the first heart attack you have had. There is scar tissue on your heart which is very old." "So. How old?" Jonathan would ask. The boy now grown; and, morbidly obese had just gotten out of the hospital following a heart attack in the recovery room when given antibiotics he was allergic to. The boy trapped in a coma for a week would barely survive. But he would survive.
The Doctor had Jonathan's complete attention. "How old?"
The doctor would shrug his shoulders holding up his hands.
"When you were a child? Does that mean anything to you?"
The boy's eyes widened. He knew EXACTLY the moment the doctor was talking about. His mind sought to process what he had just been told. There was scar tissue on his heart PROVING to him without a doubt that his experience as a sixth grader was real. An experience he had told few if anyone about. A wave of feeling would wash over him leaving him with goosebumps as he walked to the car. He could no longer ignore what had felt like a dream. He knew it was real. But; he didn't understand it. He didn't understand whose VOICE it was that spoke to him in the darkness; but, somehow the boy understood this voice loved him; except it wasn't Jack's voice in the darkness. Who would believe him?
SHAME BLAME SHAME BLAME SHAME BLAME SHAME BLAME SHAME BLAME
Instead of seeking to comfort; or assist in his healing THEA countered the boy with shame, and, blame as an adult as he begged her repeatedly for years to help them; TO HELP HIM. Her attempt to "shame" the boy would drive a stake between them; even as she did everything in her power to manipulate him from a distance. She would choose to betray the boy in a way that he simply couldn't forgive. He had wanted since 2009 to go to one of those camps where those who are struggling with porn addiction actually get help. This wasn't inexpensive; and, it certainly wasn't covered by insurance. He was embarrassed; and, ashamed of what he struggled with. It was the part of himself he hated the most.
Thea no matter how often he begged; always made it about taxes. Taxes.
She would choose INTENTIONALLY to do everything in her power to destroy his marriage. She would choose destruction instead of mercy; or healing. "You know" Thea would tell his wife "The only reason I'm not helping you is because you are still married to him." Thea's lips would drip this poison into his wife's ears again; and, again especially while they were homeless through no fault of their own. His wife would chose the help offered to her by this woman; and, utterly betray her husband.
In return he would hate his mother even more; he burned with indignation at her.
The loss of Jonathan through adoption would crush his grandfather Travis' soul; and, would rob them both of the much needed, deep, meaningful relationship a grandfather should be blessed with. Even so; the creator would offer Jonathan a measure of mercy within the adoption by providing him with grandparents who would show him both genuine love, and mercy. He would love them the most; and, feel the pain deeper; and, more distinctly than anybody else in the family when they were taken from the boy through death.
Jack would become closest to the boy; and, Jonathan dreamed of the day he could see both his adopted grandparents Jack and Imogene again alive; but, he also desired a deep relationship with Travis that was taken from him. The boy would regret not taking advantage of the little time Travis had left when he first met his maternal grandfather almost twenty years later as an adult.
Jack and Imogene were the two caregivers who would become closest to the boy. The one's whom he trusted; but, still feared revealing to them the truth of his treatment by this young couple who couldn't have children. He feared telling anyone because of the abuse he suffered at the hands of Mara. He feared that she would somehow retaliate; or that something worse would befall him.
Meanwhile his birth father's lineage would connect little Jonathan to an infamous American criminal named Pretty Boy Floyd.
Within the lineage of his birth father's family; much deeper in the distant past, further back than the bank robbers; and, horse thieves his birth father would discover doing their genealogy; a connection to the children of Israel would lift its head; and, Jonathan would also discover his own Cherokee heritage; along with the name his people used to call out to the Creator.
YO-HE-WAH
The similarities of the YOD-HEY-WAW/VAH-HEH of the Hebrew name would bother Jonathan; like splinters within the mind. He didn't know it; but, this would play a role in drawing the boy into more closely studying the Hebrew; and, the Old Testament which belonged to Him as part of his Heritage. A Birthright that couldn't be expunged by adoption.
But it would only be after all the damage was already done to the boy; that His eyes would begin to open. The experience of abandonment; adoption; abuse; and, the assault of his mind, body, and soul would defile the child who would pray at night; alone; in fear; in the dark silence.
"Please God, if you are real. If you are really real..." "Please make her ("Mara") stop hitting me. Please"
"If you are real, if you are really real...Show me."
Please Reveal Yourself to me. If you are real. Reveal Yourself"
Jonathan's birth father would quickly sign away his rights so the child could be adopted; and, he would be free from any true financial responsibility. He was eighteen months old when he was handed off to be delivered into the hands of those who would damage this child. This child whose very name meant "Given by YHVH." What did they do with this gift? Passed it off to others; shirking their responsibility that was created the moment they made a child. Refusing to acknowledge that THEY ALONE would bear responsibility.
His maternal family would be devastated by Thea's decision to give the eighteen month old child up for adoption. The adoption itself would rob the boy of meaningful relationships with his aunt; uncle; cousins; and, maternally biological grandparents; not to mention the loss of a close interpersonal relationship with his birth father; and, his eleven sisters from his father's five (5) marriages.
Once adopted; Jonathan's name would be changed; although it preserved his same initials, it was still a slight of hand; a deception, an untruth which would bring even more confusion, disorientation and angst leaving the boy utterly frustrated; lost; and, alone with no one he could really truly trust to meet his deep emotional needs; nor, to aid him in a true healing process from this primal wound.
The truth was that this new home wasn't nearly as "safe" as it had been described to Thea. All these selling points her therapist used to comfort her into believing that giving the boy up was the best thing she could do for him. The therapist would first lie to Thea; then Thea would in turn lie to herself.
"This will ensure he has a better life."
"They are both educators; so, He'll have a better education."
"They have better jobs; they can offer him what I can't."
Except it wouldn't ensure his life was better; it would instead guarantee that the boy would suffer anguish that was unimaginable. In just a few short years. Jonathan would become a sexual assault victim himself at the tender impressionable age of eleven; and, it would alter the course of his life in a way he would learn as an adult to hate.
This hate would become directed especially towards his birth mother Thea who had done nothing but deny her role as she sought to self justify to the child why she chose to leave him. Instead of genuinely seeking to apologize; and, find a way to help him heal she would double down defending her decisions; and, disrespect her own child's experience calling him a liar every opportunity that presented itself as she utterly invalidated every trauma the fruit of her womb she allowed to live would suffer.
The other fruit; a child; a younger brother she would choose to murder via ("pregnancy termination") in just a few years after his own adoption. Learning this as an adult distressed the boy even more as he grieved with deep emotional pain knowing the loss of a sibling that could not under any circumstances be restored to him.
"What was his crime?" Jonathan asked her?
"What did HE DO to deserve what you did to him?"
This grief was greater than Thea would even understand; and, she would dismiss it completely to comfort herself. But for Jonathan. It was so grievous; so painful for him that she would chose instead to assert he was "crazy."
Now instead of Jonathan; he would be called this new name “heel catcher; supplanter.” James.
That's rather interesting he thought; this is exactly, literally EXACTLY how his adopted parents Mara and Rupert had acquired him; through scheming; and, strategy that little Jonathan might take the place of her three miscarried children. Both of them lying; and deceiving Thea; blinding her to the truth. They were stealing her child right out from between her own hands; and, making her believe this was actually a good; positive; healthy thing for both her; and, little Jonathan.
Supplanter: someone or something taking the place of another, as through force, scheming, strategy, or the like.
His adopted grandmother Imogene once wrote to him telling him that he had come to them with so much bitterness; and anger in his little heart. Of course he did. He wanted HIS mother; not the facade he was cheated with. Meanwhile Imogene never dreamed that her daughter Mara; whom they also had adopted OUT of a hostile; abusive environment herself; would become so physically; and, emotionally abusive to the child it would literally fracture the family in the years ahead
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